Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
  Gargan and Humon were giants. In fact, they were bigger than giants. They were titans. They were so big that, when they stood up, they blotted out the sunlight beneath them and made it as dark as night for miles around. In fact, so big were they that people who saw them often mistook them for mountains. This was understandable, as neither of them washed that frequently and they often ended up with trees growing from the dirt in the deep crevices in their skin that on us would be mere lines or pores.

  Gargan and Humon were the last of the titans to walk the earth’s surface. All the others had been destroyed in the war with the gods, or had fled to dwell in the dark places beneath the world, but the gods had long since given up trying to kill the last two. Lightning bolts barely caused itches on such massive creatures. Plagues just passed their immune systems by without even causing a sniffle. The gods once sent a mighty dragon, plucked from the surface of the moon, to devour them, but Gargan ate it in two mouthfuls.

  The titans spent much of their time sitting in the mountains of Anatolia, skimming rocks over Greece and along the length of the Mediterranean. The trick was to make the rock bounce in the Adriatic so that it jumped over Italy, and then again off the seas just past Corsica to send it shooting across Iberia and out into the Atlantic. Gargan was better at it than Humon. Humon had once managed to hit the western end of the Mediterranean, turning the Iberian land-bridge into a peninsula. Gargan still used that to wind his friend up. ‘Isn’t it a lovely day,’ he’d say. ‘Let’s go for a walk around the Med. No, wait, you smashed a great big strait through it. Oh well.’ In response, Humon would rib Gargan about the time he accidentally broke several branches off Yggdrasil, the World-Tree, while trying to climb to Heaven and, to avoid getting into trouble, he’d hurled them as far as he could westwards.

  Of course, the Atlanteans hadn’t found the idea of mountain-sized boulders soaring out into their ocean quite so amusing. They spent generations designing and constructing a great machine that would amplify their voices loudly enough for the titans to hear their complaints. On the day of the Great Unveiling, when the scholar-priests announced the completion of their finest artifice, three branches of the World-Tree dropped from the sky and shattered their island.

  One morning, after the titans had spent a weekend in Valhalla, Humon woke up. He and Gargan had been challenged to a drinking competition by Thor and Quetzalcoatl. After easily thrashing the gods, they had kept on going, to see which of the two was the better drinker. In the end, Valhalla ran out of wine, mead and ale, so Odin had declared it a draw, thrown them out and asked them not to come back. Humon opened his eyes, one at a time, and groaned, sending a tremor across Asia Minor. The sun always blazed brightly over the Anatolian mountains, but today it felt far, far more angry than usual.

  ‘Gargan,’ he whispered, trying not to agitate the millions of angry dwarfs that appeared to be mining inside his skull. ‘Gargan, wake up.’


  ‘No, Gargan, it’s important. Wake up.’

  ‘Whu-what is it?’ Gargan opened his eyes and squinted. ‘Fuck me, that hurts.’

  ‘It’s the sun, Gargan. I think we pissed the sun off.’

  ‘How? What’d we do? Did we eat Apollo or something?’

  ‘Nah. He weren’t there last night. He’s off on that fishing trip with whatsisface, the Egyptian with the falcon for a head.’

  ‘My mouth tastes like ass,’ Gargan said, spitting a glob of phlegm into the Black Sea before closing his eyes.

  Humon grabbed his shoulders and shook him. ‘We’ve got to do something, Gargan. Before it does something to us.’

  ‘Then hit it or something.’ Gargan turned over and shuffled into a more comfortable position. He didn’t have time for this; he was too busy trying to ignore his own hangover.

  ‘Oh, right.’ Humon stared at the sun. ‘Ow. It looks like it’s getting bigger. Tell you what: on three, we grab it and deck it.’

  ‘Yeah, if you say so.’ Gargan said vaguely, refusing to re-open his eyes.

  ‘One… two… THREE!’ Humon leapt up into the sky.

  The tremor as Humon landed sent Gargan sitting bolt upright.

  ‘Ahhhh, Fuck!’ Humon bellowed. ‘Fuck, fuck, fuck! I’m on fucking fire, Gargan!’

  Gargan looked up to see Humon juggling the sun from hand to hand, before finally dropping it. The incandescent sphere landed with a squish and rolled away, leaving a thousand-mile wide blaze in its wake.

  ‘Oh shit,’ Gargan murmured. ‘You’ve set fire to Asia.’

  ‘Not all of it,’ Humon protested. ‘And besides, you said to hit it.’

  ‘Or something, I said. Hit it or something. I certainly didn’t mean roll it across the bloody planet, did I? Never mind the bloody gods getting on our backs about this; the big guy, him with the capital ‘G’, he’s gonna be pissed.’

  ‘What are we gonna do?’

  The Russian steppes caught light and the Ganges evaporated.

  ‘We shouldn’t have drank so much,’ Humon said. ‘This sort of stuff always happens when we drink too much.’

  ‘Yeah…’ An idea was forming in Gargan’s head, along with an uncomfortable feeling lower down. They had drunk too much in Valhalla. Way, way too much.

  ‘How we gonna put it out?’

  Gargan stood up and stretched. Well, he thought, sometimes you just have to use the tools you’re given. ‘Just piss on it or something,’ he said.
This is not a children's story, although it may sound like one.

This, as with my Sherlock Holmes parody, came about due to being given a prompt from which to write a story. In this case, it was that one of the characters had to say what Gargan suggests in the final line.
Add a Comment:

Daily Deviation

Given 2013-03-24
Gargan and Humon is a humorous take on mythology by ~RichardCowen. ( Suggested by WyvernLetDie and Featured by neurotype )
calthyechild Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2013  Student Digital Artist
Pffahaha. I had a good laugh over this, thanks.
xMJJMoonwalker Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is actually a pretty interesting concept for a story. You could probably make a series out of it if you wanted to. I like that you combined lots of different beliefs and gods from the ages, it makes it really interesting. This story was rather amusing and well-written. A well-deserved DD ^^
frostyshadows Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Student
this was hilarious! congrats on the DD ^_^
WesleyBlakeReese Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013
I was laughing so bad near the end.... XD
Siilentlullabii Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013
Ahaha, I love this! Very funny and clever. I enjoyed it all the way through. Congratulations on the DD :)
ryanisnasty Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013
Congratulations on the well deserved DD! :heart:
random-drawer-person Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hahahahah. Love it!
LostGryphin Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Nicely done - congrats on the DD
Debbles09 Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
bahahahaha this is BRILLIANT :lmao:
glowworm56 Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013
:giggle: This is funny.
AWakenFoRsaken Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013
You're a good writer. ^-^
Karinta Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Student General Artist
Brilliant ideas. I love the names: gargantuan and humongous.
The-Golden-Knight Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013
:iconhumon: This who you're talking about?
Maestrander Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This.... this is liquid genius. Brilliant, hilarious and well written. Keep up the good work! :D
Dragon-Paragon Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013
Baaaaahahahahahahaaaaaa! Oh -shit-, this is just plain genius. It's so deliciously simple, yet it's like a metaphor showing the future for what would happen if man had total power of his world. He would, of course, go get fucking wasted at his neighbours' and then ruin everything within five minutes of waking up.
aDeadGod Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh now you ruined it with the pointless talk of metaphors.. I thought it was just plain imagination, and plain hilarious :D
Dragon-Paragon Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013
I happen to believe a good metaphor is a great outlet for creativity, intentional or otherwise. It doesn't make it any less imaginative or hilarious. More so, if you take into account the nature of people and their tendency to immediately wreck their surroundings when under the influence of boozeahol.
RichardCowen Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013   Writer
Wow. I didn't realise I'd accidentally written something with levels and depth and so on... :-)
Dragon-Paragon Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013
Still waters run deep, my friend. What's even better is you wrote something entertaining!
Lintu47 Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Congrats on the well deserved DD! :dalove:
Have a nice day! :heart:
KehXKeova Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
This is awesome!! :clap:

Please continue more great work!! ^_^
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Student Writer
"Oh shit,’ Gargan murmured. ‘You’ve set fire to Asia."


But anyway, hilarious.
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013   Writer
:iconcongratsddplz: ... this had me 'rolfing' and admiring your wit, not to mention your good writing. Thank you.
randomfreakygothgirl Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Professional General Artist
lmao, this is pretty funny XD
HauntedQueen Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
bahahahahhahahahah this is hilarious my sister and I died laughing lol make more! :D
Cortanna117 Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Student General Artist
neurotype Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Lovely. Almost reminiscent of Lucian, but a lot more lighthearted (if that's even possible) :laughing: I don't think you really need the Mature Content warning, by the way.
Add a Comment:

:iconrichardcowen: More from RichardCowen

Featured in Collections

Unread by CarmenVeloso


DDs by neurotype

More from DeviantArt


Submitted on
March 15, 2013
File Size
6.3 KB


93 (who?)